Day 49 -- October 11, 2011

Well I realize it has been a long time for many reasons. So much has happened and so much joys and pains. So for the first time in 33 years I tried to reach out to my Father's side of the family for them to say they do not want a relationship with me. A weird emotion (an awakening) has taken hold of me one of disappointment but not sadness, I guess you cannot miss something you have never had. There was a part of me that wanted to write them letters based on the advice of a friend; but after some prayer - I didn't feel led to do so. Further, my brother is now in DC (in a half-way) house he should be released on November 4, I went to see him a few days ago, he is so funny (a thug for sure). He is so sweet though! I look forward to the day I can pick him up and bring him to church with me and maybe he in time will be open to meeting some other brothers we will see. I want nothing but God's best for me and mine. I also realize I don't even want to watch television as much and when I do I'm trying to simply rest or work on job applications. I have been reading alot, praying alot and thinking. Everyday I come home and I work, exercise, eat and go to bed. I have eaten out a few times - I find myself getting a little out of hand and then I pull back. Having 2 doctors bills to pay unexpectedly made this realization even clearer. I have a weird emotion that has taken hold of me because I asked GOD to make my life simple and allow me to see things simply - and nothing really gets to me that deeply. I realize expressing how I feel and think are most important. I thank GOD for this mandate I realize my life will never be the same. Its been great spending time with my family, especially re-kindling the bond with my god-sister we talk often throughout the week and we went to the movies this weekend - what a smile that comes over my face as I think of it. I realize that fear can be conquered with only one action - faith. I often have great thoughts of riding up to my penthouse, after doing speaking engagement or after a book signing. LIVE YOUR DREAMS! I will continue to do the work!

Day 27 -- September 19, 2010

Well for today! I woke up and decided to go to 8 am service, the blessing was I didn't have to go to children's church and serve. After years of being there every Sunday I must admit it feels good that every first and third Sunday, I can go to service and leave! Today was good for two reasons: (1) Rivion said something that really pricked my heart, "Why be afraid of your own greatness". (2) I enjoyed it because I realize I must read some books on being a fatherless daughter. I realize I am sometimes on a search (e.g., men, dating, going out with men, etc.) but though I know right from wrong (sin from death) I also realize this is real and it pulls on me. Maybe that pull will always be there; but I atleast want to know the source of that urge to want that "man thing". Today I would get some job applications done, go tutor and return home to prepare for my week. I also think a good walk around the lake before it gets dark would be a good work out routine, I realize I love exercising outdoors. I came home and added a book to my book-writing list (the books I will write). I went to the storage place today to take my movies back and I just looked at my stuff in storage and said, "It really doesn't matter". I said Father, I thank you the condo will be rented out soon and I look forward to everyday returning to my true living...my true living. I also realize I'm not afraid to ask GOD for whatever I want; but even more important, I must daily come to HIM and ask HIM what does HE want? In the end the latter is so much more important than the first. May I be disciplined, focused and sacrificial.

Natalie's Daily Affirmation (Created 9.12.2010)

Everyday I say the following affirmation out loud, after I did my goals and want list I wrote this all on the same day (September 12, 2010) to be exact:

I vow to listen to my Father each day. I will thank GOD everyday. I will spend more and more time in prayer, worship, study and meditation. I will spend time with family/friends each week through (call, visit or writing). I will not waste my time doing or saying anything that does not matter. I will diligently puruse all that GOD has for me in this life. I will take GOOD care of my body, mind and soul. I will only purchase what I need and I will pursue my heart's desire and that is in God's will. I will teach, I will train, I will write, I will invest and I will be in good health. I will consult my mentors, advisors, counselors and friends for daily guidance often. I will read often and cut off the television. All that I fear, I will conquer. I make no more excuses! I will just do it! I will listen more than I talk. I will do my best today and everyday. I will live my dreams, my purpose and the LIFE GOD intended for me. I thank GOD I am no longer AFRAID and I will pursue all that GOD has for me. I will walk in truth, freedom, love and humility. From this day forth I will walk towards my deliverances. Father, thank you for all you give and provide to me. Help me to be a blessing wherever I plant my feet. I will be wealthy beyond the money. I will be rich in GOD. I an thankful that from this day forward I will live my best life every. I will walk in courage, freedom, faith and love. DO THE WORK! NEVER BE AFRAID! CONQUER THOSE GIANTS!

September 18 -- My Mandate

During the mandate and from this day forward I will concentrate on:

Family (more time), Friends (more direct contact), Finances (saving more/eliminating debt), new career, writing and improving my health through (eating well and exercise). I will cut off the televsion. Fast each week (Fridays).

My Mantra: teach/tutor/train/write/inves and be in good health!

Scripture references: (1) God did not give us us a spirit of fear but of power, love and self-discipline (as sound m ind) 2 Timothy 1:7, (2) He becomes poor who works with a slack and idle hand, but the hand of the diligent makes rich Proverbs 10:4 (3) Jesus said to him, "you shall love the LORD your GOD with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind" Matthew 22:37.

Day 26 -- September 18, 2010

As I sit in my room and contemplate life I realize many thoughts go through my head. Thoughts of fear (I must fight), temptation (fight) and fear again (fight). Most of all I think again and again about all the great things that GOD would have for me on the inside. Doing the work is most profitable to me right now. I woke up this morning and read my word, prayed and picked "Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey", I realized that I enjoy reading books on financial issues; I must realize that it is my desire to help and assist others in this regard. I had a great time with GOD this morning despite the thoughts that plague me again and again. Today I will go and tutor Eric (my god-sister, Angie's son), I hope we get to hang out as well, after that I may go the bookstore and back home to complete some more job applications. Yesterday I had a smile come over as one of my colleagues introduced me to someone and said, and this is "Natalie, one of our best administrative people we don't know what we would do without her", I said GOD thank you, I take great pride in my work but also in providing great customer service, I was humbled but smiled and thanked GOD in the same breathe. I went to Cheesecake Factory today and had something sweet; out of my norm but I realize that I have discipline I must practice it; my gift everytime I get paid is to do something but I won't do it every other day as I have in the past. I also decided after having a conversation with one of my closest friends about debt that I would no longer discuss it; but simply do what it takes to get out. Inwardly, something great is taking hold of me and I am very excited. I enjoyed doing my word study on the word: blessing/bless; I learned that to be blessed you must obey, love, trust, give and sow earnestly. In untangling relationships I realize as much as I didn't want to do the book, I have come along way in dismantling my mother's co-dependent ways; but I still have work to do, I realize my biggest issue is that I want to fix and cure everything and I cannot. That is my area of co-dependency. When faced with another's problem I want to immediately/impulsively/without praying or thinking jump in and help and assist. For GOD to tell me no Natalie you must take a step back. I love the freedom of just being - its so liberating. Yolanda I now understand what you meant when you said, "I'm a flower in bloom/blossoming". I'm in stage in my life where I just want to let go of all that has held me back so I can just be, soar and do!

Day 24 -- September 16

I must say today was a good and bad day. I walked 3 miles with my co-worker and I am so happy. I'm not sure if this happiness is a result of a changed mindset. But I realize I have a fire in my belly that is burning. I have applied for at least 2 jobs each night (Federal Government and Georgia Board of Education), while watching television. I find that its hard for me to sit and do nothing; I seem I have been so un-productive that now its important to do the work. I am eating well; but eating some popcorn has hit me three days in a row -- Trader Joes has received $2 for 3 days in a row (LOL). I don't have a desire for sweets which is good. I just want to learn a good balance. I've really been thinking about my family and all that I want to do with them and I realize there are many things I want; but what GOD wants right now is so much important to me. I'm reading Donald Trumps book "Entreprenership 101" and enjoying it so much. I've been walking around telling GOD all that I am thankful for. My co-worker and I are not speaking and though we are so cool - I realize at this point in my life its so hard for me to walk on eggshells to be friends with anyone; so I will keep it cojial until GOD tells me otherwise. This is the third time this has happened between us. This mandate is doing some awesome things with my thinking. I wrote my affirmation and goals for 2010-2011 and I read them out loud everyday. My mom wants a 60th birthday party so I guess I will become a planner afterall! This week was pretty good, I have wanted to just do things without so much though; because usually with so much thought I talk myself out of it. As I drove in my car, the word "blessing" continued to come to mind so I will say good bye to do a word study for a little bit on "blessing", I want to know how to walk in GOD's blessing continually. Reading the Untangling Relationships book has been difficult because it seems I'm just being obedient to my pastor and thought it wasn't for me; but I realize I have to continually work at not allowing my mother to be so dependent of me. I had to tell her tonight, I have my own bills and cannot always do everything that I want to do. It felt so good; it was a AHA/WOW moment.

Thank you Lord, for this mandate!

Day 21 -- September 13, 2010

I called my best friend today and we had the best talk as we always do. I thank GOD for that woman. I wanted to share with her the new revelation that GOD had given me, Natalie you are not afraid of anthing! That was so powerful for me. But in the midst of the mandate I have realized that I must do the work, again and again. I can only see the reward after putting in the work. Fear no longer has a hold on me (by Faith). GOD has shown me a glimpse of all he has for me to do and I must say, I must take it day by day. I have vowed during this mandate to concentrate on: GOD, Family, Friends, Career, Health and Finances. In the area of GOD, I want to listen to him more, read his word more and do word studies on my seasons of life. In the area of Family, spend more time with them each week by calling or visiting. In the area of career: pursue academia and/or the Federal Government until I begin teaching full time. I will work out at least 4 times per week and eat well (no sweets, fast food, junk, bread, dairy or meats (excluding meats). I will save more and spend less. Each week I am working on my book and in 3-4 months I will have written my first book for teens: Teenage Choices: Decisions that Lead to Life! That will be the first of many to be written. I also realize its ok to pursue what I love: teaching, training, writing, investing (real estate/stocks/mutual funds/gold/oil) and being in good health. I am going to start attending Toast masters and the NSA (National Speaker's Association) meetings as well. I made my want list tonight, it includes the things I want to learn and do; its an awesome list, I will share it with you soon. Today was a good day and I know that I may not feel this way everyday; but I asked GOD how do I stay on this good path and he said, continue to fight, and do not lose sight of the goal. Each day I sit in his presence and allow him to minister to me and that too is nourishing to my soul.