Day 49 -- October 11, 2011

Well I realize it has been a long time for many reasons. So much has happened and so much joys and pains. So for the first time in 33 years I tried to reach out to my Father's side of the family for them to say they do not want a relationship with me. A weird emotion (an awakening) has taken hold of me one of disappointment but not sadness, I guess you cannot miss something you have never had. There was a part of me that wanted to write them letters based on the advice of a friend; but after some prayer - I didn't feel led to do so. Further, my brother is now in DC (in a half-way) house he should be released on November 4, I went to see him a few days ago, he is so funny (a thug for sure). He is so sweet though! I look forward to the day I can pick him up and bring him to church with me and maybe he in time will be open to meeting some other brothers we will see. I want nothing but God's best for me and mine. I also realize I don't even want to watch television as much and when I do I'm trying to simply rest or work on job applications. I have been reading alot, praying alot and thinking. Everyday I come home and I work, exercise, eat and go to bed. I have eaten out a few times - I find myself getting a little out of hand and then I pull back. Having 2 doctors bills to pay unexpectedly made this realization even clearer. I have a weird emotion that has taken hold of me because I asked GOD to make my life simple and allow me to see things simply - and nothing really gets to me that deeply. I realize expressing how I feel and think are most important. I thank GOD for this mandate I realize my life will never be the same. Its been great spending time with my family, especially re-kindling the bond with my god-sister we talk often throughout the week and we went to the movies this weekend - what a smile that comes over my face as I think of it. I realize that fear can be conquered with only one action - faith. I often have great thoughts of riding up to my penthouse, after doing speaking engagement or after a book signing. LIVE YOUR DREAMS! I will continue to do the work!